Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in CC's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
12:12 am	Nothing really to say. So....July 8th.....I so easily forget about my live journal and go on months without thinking to write in it. Between you and I, I don't think anyone reads it anyhow. May came and went. I turned 22 and yea....lol. Nothing exciting happens when you turn 22. I went to Foxwoods with my mom and aunt and I LOVED it. Nice dinner and gambling lol. I also went to p-town in May and that was fun! I was able to stay the whole weekend. Just stayed trashed and I deserved it lol June....Michelle turned 23. We went to Foxwoods for dinner and to gamble on her birthday too lol. Now it's July. Summer is boring so far. Tomorrow is the 2nd time I'll have made it to the beach and that blows. The weather has been soooo crappy like rainy and cloudy ALL the time. Not a summer to remember I bet. Well nothing else to say. I will try to write again soon. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Morning Side (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
9:39 pm	life sucks life sucks right now in case anyone cares (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 20th, 2008
10:02 pm	Well, look here.... I think it has been close to a year since I have posted. I am almost 22. And well 21 sucked. Wish I could do it over again. That weird phase I went through, where I felt so lost, I'm not out of that hole yet. I have changed and many things have happened, but I am not fully ok with my life and what is happening. In July, I lost a very very dear friend of mine. She passed away Friday July 13th. I can't say that there is a day to go by that I don't think of her and what happened. Plagued by the thoughts of how well she was doing one day and how down hill she went the next. Being in her house is so hard. You wait to see her come around the corner, or hear her laugh. I wait for her to hug me and say "smile manda" In September I dropped out from CCRI and applied to RIC. I got into RIC. I was so happy. This is all I have wanted. I am there now taking classes and I love it. In December, I lost my dog a few weeks before Christmas. I was shopping and my mom received the phone call and we rushed back to the house. I remember thinking "it will be ok" my dog was hit by a car. I ran into the animal hospital and the nurse took me to the back telling me that they were working on him. When I got in the back room my dad was sitting there shaking his head no. I collapsed. I was crying so loud and so hard. That dog was like a child to me. I couldn't even breath. We were able to take him home. I filled his casket with pictures and toys and covered him with his blanket. I sat with him for HOURS. Until my mom literally had to tear me from him. Christmas came and went. Things started to seem better. I was looking forward to starting at RIC in mid January. January, a week after New Years day. It was a Thursday. My Unlce was missing. He didn't come home from work. They then found him in his work vehicle at a Dunkin Donuts. He had a massive stroke. I sat with my cousins and aunt as they were losing their father and husband until Sunday, then my aunt had to make a huge choice. We let him go. Someone once told me that deaths happen in threes. That theory proves correct with my life. I feel so torn inside day by day. I have had people come in and out of my life. I have started to work on a old relationship. I am doing well in school. Work is good. But things are still hard. I still feel lost. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 21st, 2007
11:50 pm	So I wrote in here over a month ago so I thought there would be something new I could talk about. And there isn't. I still feel as stuck today as any other day before. It sucks so bad growing up. I feel so torn between things and so uncomfortable in my own skin. Things are suppose to be so different aren't they? I thought 13 and 14 were weird stages in life....well 21 might have that all beat. I feel like I am suppose to be on the fast track in life. Speeding along and getting shit down. I still feel stuck. Like I am in high school and have no control over anything. It hardly feels like I am in my third year of college. I am trying to take this time of being alone to grow and learn from it...but sometimes the silence kills me, I just want to call someone up and tell them to just talk to me so I don't have to keep thinking. When I am around my friends I feel like they are all the same and I am the only one changing.....and that's so scary. But when I talk to them they say they share the same feelings. I guess no matter what you hear or see you will always feel like you are the only one to go through whatever emotions and events in your life that you are going through and that no one could ever possibly understand what it is you are going through. I know I am rambling...but I also know that no one reads this...life just sucks sometimes and even worse is when you add a T and life just feels sTuck sometimes..... Amanda Current Mood: aggravated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 16th, 2007
11:48 pm	yea yea yea So some wise person once told me that people are meant to come in and out of your life. They come to make impressions and you help them and love them, but it's never meant to be forever......hmmm something to think about. Lately I've had a hard time accepting this. It's not fair at all that people get to come along and change your whole world and then they just get to leave. That's it and then you can't do anything about it because as much as you try to forgive and keep a friendship you break down. You have to stand back or in my case have a friend hold you back and show you that this person isn't worth the heart break and self torture that you may be putting yourself through. You keep trying to give and help and they in return slap you in the face. What's even harder is when this person was a friend first. You then seem to go through double the hurt and start to question so much. I'm trying so much to hang in there and drag this out as much as I can, but I'm losing grip and I am now considering other options. If you cared then you would't say those harsh things to me. If you cared then you wouldn't turn all the conversations around to be about you. You'd see that I am hurting too and this isn't easy for me. If you cared then you'd shut up and open your eyes. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Let me be the one (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 9th, 2007
2:15 am	Wide awake at 2:16am So it has been over a year since I wrote in my journal...yikes. I really don't want to explain it all so to sum it up I want to say it didn't work out and I am home and still at CCRI..,,hmm.... So today was my day off from work and I worked on my scrapbooks and I realized that I am someone who is truly blessed, I have a unique sometimes crazy family, but that also means I have people in my life that love me unconditionally. I had a really happy childhood. It's rare for me as a women to say I have never been hit, raped, or sexually abused. I came out when I was young and have been able to live my life as the person I truly am. And above all I have AMAZING friends. Friends who i turned my back to when I needed the most, I came back around and they welcomed me with open arms with no questions asked, I'm learning that I don't deserve to be talked down to. I don't deserve to be called names and be accused of things I never did or thought of doing. I am my own person and if the situation is uncomfortable then I need to get out of it. I am learning to trust my own gut feeling. It's not that i don't want to trust, it's that I've been taught better. I don't believe her. I can't. I am sick of crying at night. I just want to be able to hear things and not worry about them, I miss my old life. Everyone is changing, We all feel out of wack and unsure what is going on. Choices need to be made. Decisions that we thought only parents make are now ours. I'm exhausted but I will add to this Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Colbie ~Realize~ (Comment on this)
Friday, April 14th, 2006
10:47 pm	Awesome Quote.... "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, nout our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." *** Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love*** Current Mood: impressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
11:11 pm	Where Would You Be " Where Would You Be " Album: Greatest Hits (2001) I wonder where your heart is 'Cause it sure don't feel like it's here Sometimes I think you wish That I would just disappear Have I got it all wrong Have you felt this way long Are you already gone Do you feel lonely When you're here by my side Does the sound of freedom Echo in your mind Do you wish you were by yourself Or that I was someone else Anyone else Where would you be If you weren't here with me Where would you go If you were single and free Who would you love Would it be me Where would you be I don't wanna hold you back No I don't wanna slow you down I don't wanna make you feel Like you are tied up and bound 'Cause that's not what love's about If there's no chance we can work it out Tell me now Oh, tell me tell me now Where would you be If you weren't here with me Where would you go If you were single and free Who would you love Would it be me Where would you be Have I become the enemy Is it hard to be yourself In my company Where would you be If you weren't here with me Where would you go If you were single and free Who would you love Would it be me Where would you be Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
9:10 am	Sometimes sorry just don't cut it.... Frankie J Lyrics Don't Wanna Try Lyrics (oooo)...don't wanna try don't wanna try (try try) (oooo)..don't wanna try no more (ooo)..don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try [Verse 1] i can't believe u had the nerve to say the things u said they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship i can't believe it ..4 years gone down the drain oh how i wish things would of happened so differently i try'd to save it so many times but you still couldn't see u kept insistin' and resistin' that u would not fall again and now ur tryin' to tell me that ur sorry and ur tryin' to come back home ur tellin' me u really need me crying beggin both knees are on the floor but baby i [Chorus] don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door don't wanna try don't wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things that hurt so bad to where we both begin to cry don't wanna try don't wanna try i 'bout just had enough its been a rough road baby just let it go don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more tell me whats the use of holdin' on when all we do is hurt our love [Verse 2] u and i had many conversations on the telephone talks about one day we having a place of our own wake up in the morning and have breakfast ready on the table but all of that just seems so far away from me had to wake up face reality it all just seem to good to be true after all you put me through and now ur tryin' to tell me that ur sorry and ur tryin' to come back home u tellin' me that u really need me crying beggin both knees are on the floor but baby i [Chorus] don't wanna try dont wanna try dont wanna try no more u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door don't wanna try dont wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things that hurt so bad to where we both begin to cry dont wanna try don't wanna try i bout just had enough its been a rough road baby just let it go don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more tell me whats the use of holdin' on when all we do is hurt our love [..fading into beat] (don't wanna try don't wanna try) (don't wanna try no more) (don't wanna try don't wanna try..oo) (don't wanna try don't wanna try) (don't wanna try no more) (don't wanna try dont wanna try don't wanna try no more ooo) Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Monday, May 16th, 2005
12:09 am	Somewhat.......JADED......... Sometimes when i give myself the time to think about everything that we went through i wonder why then we didn't see what now was going to be like. After everyone said it would be that way we still insisted no it wouldn't be but here we are, and it is that way. just like they all predicted. it kills me sometimes that you got to walk away from all of this and i didn't. after everything you got to have the last word and you decided to throw in the gloves. things have just changed so much in my life and sometimes i wonder where you are and if you would care to know. i guess i could just always pick up the phone....but you know i actually can't. so if you read this of course on your own terms...well then this is what is new. school has ended and i am in a bit of a mess. my finanacial aid never went through and i can't start next semester because my bills aren't paid. i started to take kick boxing classes and i'm getting good at it. i love the environment and the people there. ummm..i got a tattoo. yea lil old me finally got the guts to get one and i love it. everyone else seems to like it too. jamie is going away to michigan for school. i think she is so lucky to be getting away. but it also hurts. we have all grown sooo much. she was the last of the four to graduate and the baby is moving so far. i just wonder how it went from us 4 to us 3 to us 2 and now just me 1. somedays i feel so disacttached from everything and everyone. sometimes even when i really have nothing to do i still feel like i need to get away. so much is changing and i am so scared to deal with it. i'm gonna be 19 in two weeks and i wonder where that leaves me. i feel so successful and beautiful somedays and others i feel lost and unworthy. i was at the club last night and i was surrounded by this great group of girls that i just adore. yet i can't even name the days that i have felt so alone and friendless. well i need to get into bed. it is already the next day. but before this all ends just read these lyrics...there for you... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive Something your eyes never told me But it's only now too plain to see Brilliant disguise when you hold me And I'm free I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use But how could I have known girl It was time and not space you would need Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know But would you believe There's a light in your eyes that I used to see There's a place in your heart where I used to be Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me There's a light in your eyes Did you leave that light burning for me Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you Constant reminder of all the things you get used to Is there a chance in hell or heaven That there's still something here to build on Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall But after all There's a light in your eyes that I used to see And a song in the words that you spoke to me Was I wrong to believe in your melody There's a light in your eyes Did you leave that light burning for me Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away Fading away It's been a while since I've seen you so how have you been Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send I tried to call your old number But the voice that I heard on the phone I recognized but she told me the number was wrong There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see And a pain in my heart where you used to be Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me There's a light in your eyes Did you leave that light burning for me Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Blessed Union of Souls- Light In Your Eyes (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
2:47 pm	BECAUSE OF YOU I will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery  I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard I’ve learned the hard way to never let it get that far  Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid I lose my way  And it’s not too long before you point it out  I cannot cry Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes  I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life  My heart can’t possibly break When it wasn’t even whole to start with  I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep  I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me  You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain  And now I cry in the middle of the night  For the same damn thing  Because of you because of you Because of you I am afraid  Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything  Because of you I don’t know how to let anyone else in Because of you I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty  Because of you I am afraid Because of you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Schools ight. Just wanted to put this song on here. Talk to everyone lata... Manda  xxxx               "I burn the bridges behind me so that i have no choice but to move on" (Comment on this)
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
12:28 am	Just updateing everyone. nothing really new or exciting going on right now. things are really just blah and waiting for school to start up. guess i have to take up another job because the money is just not enough. ugh it's gonna blow if i have to work 2 jobs and then full time student. just don't want to exhaust myself. new years eve was fun. went to a party in cranston. went to the club last night but nothing special. let me know how u all are manda Current Mood: blah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004
12:42 pm	well lets see... well i'm back from florida! the weather was not so pleasent because it was COLD! but better than being here i guess u could say. disney was exciting. i got to see alot and so a lot. went on the tower of terror and my face was so funny on there. i was so nervous. but after the first drop i was fine. michelle and i have like 6 cameras to develop and of course i bought a disney scrap book and i'll get to that right away. christmas is a few days away but it hardly feels like it to me. classes for CCRI are suppose to start in less than a month and i am waiting on financial aid. i had an appt. before i left to get it straightened out and it went well. i also got my contacts before i left. scott's boyfriend does hair and so i got mine got short and died like a red/marroon color. it looks cute. gonna take some time getting use to the short hair again. well i got some last min shopping to do so i'll write after christmas. manda Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
9:09 pm	blah blah blah Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you Do you ever wanna runaway? Do you lock yourself in your room? With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screaming No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down With no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out? Are you desparate to find something more? Before your life is over Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around? With their big fake smiles and stupid lies While deep inside you're bleeding No you don't know what it's like When nothing feels all right You don't know what it's like To be like me To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down With no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life No one ever lied straight to your face No one ever stabbed you in the back You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay Everybody always gave you what you wanted Never had to work it was always there You don't know what it's like what it's like To be hurt To feel lost To be left out in the dark To be kicked when you're down To feel like you've been pushed around To be on the edge of breaking down With no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like, what it's like Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Simple Plan- Welcome To My Life (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
12:05 am	This is what's new... so what is new with everyone? haven't really spoken to most of you all in awhile and i am not sure when the last time i updated my journal was. anyhow  i did apply to CCRI after all and i am going to take my placement test tomorrow morning. i feel good about everything but math i am sure i'll be takeing a low math class for sure. besides that everything else is going well in my life. michelle and i are going on 7 months in a few weeks. and we are also  haveing a halloween party and that will def give us a chance to catch up with some friends and to just hang out for a weekend without haveing to run around and deal with drama. well i been trying to hold it in while writing the start of this entry, but there is something that i am extremely happy about. I'M  GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!  Scott (Michelle's brother) called her and we have the tickets all set. we are going from the 15th till the 23rd. my mom is nervous about it being so close to christmas and what if there is a storm and we don't make it back, but i am sure everything will be fine. i am so excited that she is doing this for me. i can't stop talking about it and i have a count down on my phone lol. Everything seems to be turning around right now for the better. Michelle and i are doing great , i am going to college and continueing my education, and i get to go to Disney for christmas! =)  Although i've gone through many rough roads the past 7 months it is all turning out to be worth it. i guess things do end up in place in the end. " These past few months have been a never ending nightmare. My life has been full of drama and chias, but the one thing that kept me steady was you. No matter if we are friends or lovers you have made me realize that i can overcome anything " Dawson's Creek  (I love you Chelle Chelle oxoxox) Good Night Manda xxx Current Mood: giddy (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
6:12 pm	Lately alot has been going on. Most recently however I applied to CCRI and I should be starting that in Jan. Work is going well and I am switching back to my night shifts. The family is well and as for Michelle and I things have been getting better each month. Speaking of which it will be 6 months on the 26th of this month and I can't believe how fast the time has gone by and how close the two of us have grown to each other. People have been commenting about our relationship alot it seems, it is all good things. They just talk about how we are close and made for each other and how good we are for one another. Of course the most common and most famous quote is about how it seems like years and not months that we have known and been with each other. As for friends lately things haven't been that great. Of course when there are all girls you are bound to have drama left and right. And I  learned that it doesn't mean you are 16 and a high schooler because you are involved in drama, I learned that it is life. Things get crazy and hectic and most of all STRESSFUL and the only thing you can do is to grin and bear it. =(  Some people come into your life for the better and some for the worse. Sometimes you learn all too late that you keep closer to you the bad and push away the good. It's so hard to come to a  point in a friendship where you realize that the person is no good for you and doesn't better you in anyway. At that point and time it becomes even more hard to push yourself away from them and remember everyday that you need them out of your life no matter what the past may have been between the two of you. I hope everyone is good, and until I have more to say this is good-bye Amanda   Current Mood: stressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
11:41 am	Oh what a day,,,, Yesterday Michelle left for college. We woke up and packed the car and off we went to Bridgewater State. She has to move in a week early to try out for the fieldhockey team. We had this pervert driving next to us the whole time we drove there. some guy in a truck who I thought wanted to pass me instead wanted a three-some when he noticed Michelle and I holding hands in the car. He kept driving along side me and no matter if I went slower or faster he stayed right there. Then just before he finally leaves us alone he shows us a porn magazine. I felt so bad for my baby because she was in the passanger seat and it was like he was right there next to her. I would've been so freaked out had I been not driving. Anyhow.. a few days before she left I was upset and crying, but when she moved in I held it together pretty well. I got lost on the way home and it took me 2 hours to get home instead of 45min. I obviously wasn't paying attention to my exits lol. I had to stop at her house before going home, but on the way home I yelled, screamed and cried like I have never in years. I was making myself so upset I was coughing and ready to be sick. I'm not loseing her, but the seperation is hurting as if I have. We have never been apart like this and now until March her and I will see one another once or twice a week instead of everyday. Well I need to get some shit done so Thanx for listening to me vent. xxxx Manda Current Mood: lonely Current Music: ...Just the fans in the house... (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
7:48 pm	An Update... It seems like the longest time since I last sat down and filled out a new entry for my journal. over the past few months things have been so hectic and new. whether i have new people entering my life or old ones returning it seems to me that my life day by day is changing. in a week it will be 5 months with michelle and then a few days later she will be off to college. although not too far it will hurt as though she is across the country. how can i go from spending every night with her to maybe once or twice a week? =( today my councilor from school came into my work and i mentioned how everyone is heading off to college. she asked me if i was ok with the fact that i'm not. i hesitated. i admitted that i was not. i know she understood the pain in my voice when i answered because she started to reassure me immediately that the second i want to fill out forms for college that she be there for me and to go see her. i just have to keep my head up and not allow myself to cry and break down over it. i have to stay optimistic. besides that i am happy. michelle and i had a going away party for her last night. just a few friends came to stay the night at my house and we drank and ate pizza. =) i hope everyone is doing well and i will try to update more later. xxx Manda p.s. heidi and missy i hope you two are well oxoxox "How did all my dreams slip through my fingers that so tightly clenched onto them for years?" My thought today Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: My Immortal (Comment on this)
Monday, June 21st, 2004
11:47 pm	hi there.... hi there everyone. well it is june 21st and i am all done with school. prom and graduation have passed and they both went well. i had a great time at both events and prom with michelle was exciting. it's great to be so out and comfortable with her to our friends and to be accepted. By teachers as well. in two days michelle leaves for a week to michigan because a sister of hers is having a wedding. since we met 3 months ago her and i have spent time together everyday. even if she came by for just 5 min to say hello we saw each other all the time and now she will be gone for a week and i dunno how well i'll be handling that. but it will be a good practice for when she heads to bridgewater state college in mass, when september comes. as for me i still plan on going to rhode island college in the spring time. hopefully those plans work out. well not much more to say. i will update another day. manda p.s. pride was this past saturday and compaired to last year it sucked but i got to see missy and that made me exstremely happy. =) Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
11:42 pm	oh my gosh time has flown... can't believe it's been almost a full month since i last updated my journal for everyone. time as flown by and next week is when everything is going to get wrapped up. everything for my senior project is due this friday! june 1st is my project for Mr.C's class, which is just a family history thing. I'm going to prom with michelle and i'm excited and graduation is the day after so that will be two exciting days. oh and next friday i turn 18! it might be old fashion to be excited about turning 18 but i don't care because i'm really giddy over it. i took the next day off (saturday) and i was thinking of going to get my tatoo that day but we'll have to see. so school and home life have been rather swell. i just wanted to update and let everyone know i'm alive and doing well. talk to you all later hope everyone has their heads up Manda Current Mood: geeky (Comment on this)